Anesthesia
by Ro Nordmann
Summary: I am the piece of gum under your shoe that doesn't want to let go. It is my punishment, to keep breathing this polluted air, to drink this poison, to feel this nirvana running through my veins. Without it, their faces appear to haunt me, to remind me it was me. They died because of me. Written for S2SL [Odark]


**Anesthesia**

******Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc., are the property of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

Written for **S2SL**, thanks to **streetlightlove** for settling it all up! God bless you!

Beta: **Court81981** (thanks every single correction!)

Pre-readers: **TLCullen132**, **streetlightlove** & **Baroness Kika**

Pairings: Odark; Galeniss (mentioned)

Triggers: Drug abuse, m/m sex, suicide ideation

**-:-**

_"You are worthless. A mistake that should have killed in the womb. You disgust me. Get the fuck out of my home and don't bother coming back!"_

_Those were my mother's last words to me, simple and to the point._

_I'm worthless._

_I'm a mistake._

_I'm disgusting._

_I'm a nothing._

A parasite that she should have taken me from her womb before my completion. And these very words pushed me towards my current momentum… that has lasted five fucking years. How I survived this long is a total mystery to me. The way I have lived, taken every single pill, snorted and injected drugs into my body, there should be nothing left of me.

I am the piece of gum under your shoe that doesn't want to let go. It is my punishment, to keep breathing this polluted air, to drink this poison, to feel this nirvana running through my veins. Without it, their faces appear to haunt me, to remind me it was me. They died because of me. I'm just space that walks and talks, shits and fucks, little by little a bit of me, dies each day, but never enough.

And everyday I walk down that lane, trying to imagine what their lives would be like if she had lived, and they had lived. I would have left them alone, it was my last sacrifice. This degenerate would abdicate his rights to the Mellark business, because after all I wasn't the first son. No, I wasn't the one that made my father proud, with the beautiful wife and two sons. I wasn't the second son, the troublemaker with a heart, who had screwed around as much as he could with any willing girl, with dimples on his cheeks and dreams in his crystalline eyes. I was the third son, the curse, the malcontent who pretended to be someone he wasn't, couldn't be no longer…the demons were showing. I had no way to escape, and she had found me out. Her eyes… so much like mine had turned black as coal, with embers on the inside ready to set me on fire.

Yet, she let me live. The fire didn't catch me, didn't consume my body slowly letting every inch of skin melt, as the muscle then shown through it, as the blood boiled inside the emaciated carcass. No, she planned it to the last detail. She wanted me to see what I had done, what my sins had brought upon my family. Every thought, every touch, every kiss and lingering gaze had a cost. For each one, I pay day in and day out, night after night, with a piece of what's left of my soul, to keep it all behind the fragile curtain inside my mind.

There were no words of consolation, no friendship that could fix what had been done. My past had been judge and I found guilty by the person who had borne me.

**-:-**

"Hey! Mellark! I got something for you… it is the best shit, you will be out like a baby for hours and hours. I tell you I tried first with my annoying little brother and he was no bother all afternoon. My ma even thanked me… wait up!"

Thresh was a good guy. Just another kid trying to survive in the streets of District 12, dealing some dope, shooting some heavenly golden brown, or snorting some white lines, and waking up the next day to do it all over again. The difference between him and me was clear: he still had a home to go back to, a school to take his days, while I lived in the streets always searching for the next fix. He would finish his schooling, get a wife and kids, with the possibility of leaving this godforsaken place. I had no right to hope for anything beyond another orange sunset.

"I don't have any rations or currency, T. I can't pay you back… not unless I start hooking myself down by the Hob. Who knows, maybe Cray will choose me thinking I'm a girl. Don't I look pretty?"

I tried to blink repeatedly and purse my lips, but Thresh's face gave away the fact I was failing in my seduction pose. He hit my arm, almost pushing me to the floor, followed by his guffaws.

"Man… you is crazy. He likes them like that Kat chick, only younger with bigger tits. You got no tits to speak off and you have another problem, you gots a cock between your legs. Definitely not his type, Mellark."

I shrugged, nonplussed. It wasn't the first time someone had taken me into an alley just to satisfy an urge and never think of it again. It hadn't mattered whether he had a wife, or children, or his job. I wouldn't really care what his reasons were as long as he paid me what was due. My goal was set to the next hit and I needed it badly.

"I'm giving it to you… so you sleep, find a place and rest. You can't keep yourself wired all the time. Those dark circles are getting bigger each day. Have you eaten anything? I bet you haven't for at least three days. Soon you'll be skin and bones, no one will want to fuck that. Your ribs will stick 'em in the eye!"

He was right, I had neglected to eat. Nothing good had been thrown out behind the new bakery. Delly no longer lived here. She had moved away with her new husband, to the life she always wanted. Some part of me, the one that remembered the past, was happy for her. She deserved it. Surely, she had cried when I told her nothing could ever come between us, it had been the right thing to do. I could see it… my mind's eye imagined her blonde children running around, while she looked upon them from the kitchen window. Bless you, Delly Cartwright.

Thresh flicked my forehead, trying to get my attention. I glared, rubbing the sore spot. The movement of my hand brought the fact I hadn't bathed either. There was no way Thresh could sneak me inside his house again. Last time we were almost caught. He was a good friend, and I certainly didn't want to lose him.

"Fucker… Did I ever tell you that Katniss gave me a blow job?"

His eyes got so big, I feared they would pop right out of his skull.

"When the fuck did this supposedly take place? The Ice-Queen giving you head… pfft. I don't believe it. You're high, Peeta. It would make more sense if you said it had been her cousin, the slag heap slut, the one and only, Gale Hawthorne. Did you know he knocked her up again? That only means her breasts will grow big and all the thirteen-year-old Seam rats will be peeping through her windows until he shoots them with his bow and arrow."

"T, you're just a gossip monger. I have to say, for the record. Gale is one lucky man… for the Ice-Queen knows how to give great head. If I didn't know better, I'd say she's a man underneath it all. She knows where to nibble, suck, and blow to perfection. Then again, if she's knocked up again, then Gale is a fucking moron that doesn't know when to use that mouth instead of her pussy. Less mouths to feed."

Thresh scratched his head, shook it once, twice and then looked me in the eye.

"Give it up. Why did she swallow the cannoli?"

I heard a rustling near by, for a moment distracted. Then Thresh pitched my arm. I punched him back. I could see the bruise forming already, even under all the muck stuck to my skin.

"I don't know, man. I guess she had a thing for me. She wanted to taste me. What the fuck do I know? I was fucked up, and I didn't put up a fight. A blow is a blow, no matter where it come from. I gotta say if there was a girl who could get me hard… it would be Katniss Everdeen… or is it Hawthorne now? Speaking of couples, how's it goin' wit' your girl?"

"I don't has the time for girl talk. Take this when you need it. If you need more, I got you. Don't worry about paying me for now. I see you when I see you."

He turned, and without another glance back, he disappeared from sight.

Alone with my thoughts and stink, I had to figure out where I could get some needed water. There was no use pussyfooting around, when it was blatant to me that I had to visit the Hob. Maybe Sae would take pity on me, and gift me some stew, and hose me down. After that, I had to find cleaner clothes and show myself down the assembly line of bodily delights.

Who would be tonight? I tried to think on my past costumers, people who had known me all my life. There had been the mayor, two or three drunken peacekeepers, the occasional teenager searching for a thrill, and of course, the husband with three kids, who couldn't hide his urges. I wasn't the only one who provided these… carnal services. Girls from the Seam, with rags over their bodies would stand a few feet from me. Usually, they were introduced to this life by our head peacekeeper, Cray, but once he'd been there twice, he would discard them to the rest of the masses to play with. Their vacant eyes, their emaciated bodies were my companions. I was no threat to them, only another discarded filth. One or two had tried to entice, but it was futile. The white pills Thresh had given were in my pockets, and they were sweet oblivion, and nothing could seduce me more. On second thought, some morphling would be even better.

**-:-**

Sae and Ripper had come through, giving me a helping of stew and stale bread, with clean dark pants and white shirt that looked gray. I was grateful for their charity, as they went beyond what anyone would to help a fuck-up. When I was only about 14, I had asked Sae why she helped me, when my own mother had thrown me out of her house. The old woman had turned sad and simply patted my back and left me alone. It was the most of comfort I had received in my life.

With my clothes on and stomach almost full, after being hovered over by my adoptive mothers, I was ready. My hands were already shaking. Sae gripped one hand, hard.

"You need not do this, Peeta. Stay with me, work in the shop. You can have a decent living, cleaned up. No need to go selling yourself. You look too sickly. Soon you will die…"

I cleared the tears from her weathered cheeks. I stared into her bottomless eyes, seeing the despair reflected in them. Was that what mine showed? Was that why I had to drown it? Sae had experienced loss—all she had left was her shop at the Hob, and her friendships with her neighbors. Sometimes, I believed she thought I was her second chance. I wasn't. I simply wasn't cruel enough to point it out to her.

**-:-**

I leant back, watching as the men meandered around, as if looking more aloof would keep the guilt away. It was pointless. Everyone knew why they were here. I kept scratching, and my hands didn't help me. The trembling had gotten worse. My need for the temporary high was making anxious, that would get me nothing. I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. I had to look appealing, be whatever the man wanted for the ten or fifteen minutes he hired me. A girl no more than fifteen was standing about five feet away. She was thin, her skin translucent, showing off her greenish veins. Her hair was dark, recently cleaned and combed. She was wearing what was probably her only good dress. Her eyes still had life in them. For a brief moment I wondered how long it will last… most assuredly after this night, there would be less and less of her, and more of the void that consumes. She was average on the pretty scale, so if Cray showed up tonight, she would be picked by him. I felt sorry for her, but there was nothing I could do to stop it all.

One of the men that surprised me seeing him browsing the merchandise was the most notorious town drunk, the one and only Haymitch Abernathy. His story was known, like a cautionary tale to the merchants and the miners. Stick to your class, don't go dreaming of bigger and better things, or you'll pay the price. Haymitch had fallen for some beautiful merchant's daughter, even got her belly full of child. She was shunned by her family, disinherited of every last penny. She was pushed to walk the street that led to the dreaded life of the Seam, where the miners' families lived in extreme poverty. With nothing to take with her, Maysilee Donner kept walking with her hands around her protruding stomach, as tears fell from her eyes. That was the last anyone saw of her. She simply disappeared without a trace… only her body was found weeks later. Apparently she found an out to her situation: Maysilee jumped from a cliff. She had crossed the border between districts, and had found a discreet place to end her miserable life, along with the child inside her.

It is said Haymitch's wail could be heard all around the district, that even the miners deep inside the earth heard his lament. After, he never was the same. Only liquor, the illegal kind that was said to leave you blind, was his respite. Ripper would bring it and deliver it to his house, an old shack that was bound to fall on his head and kill him one of these days.

He walked by me, ignoring my presence as he stood right in front of the girl I had taken notice. Her whole body got stiff, while her hands gave away her fear. I was about to intervene when I heard his scratchy whispering.

"Girl, get out of here. The peacekeepers are coming. You don't want to be here. Don't let your sick papa find out you were here. Cray is a goddamned bastard, but he will get his. Leave. And you Mellark, get off this street. Sae said so, you should thank her, for I don't give a damn about you, boy. You are rotten."

It wasn't like Cray to try and round us up. Yes, it was illegal to prostitute yourself, but he was one of the most whom benefitted from these services. It made no sense.

"Are you deaf, boy? There's a some new ordinance. There's even a new peacekeeper from another district… he's got a bit of red on his head. You might like him, Mellark. Wasn't that other boy, what was his name? I forget… never mind. Wasn't he a red-head? He would've stayed as peacekeeper here, if it wasn't for—"

I shoved him, almost toppling. I wanted to punch his face until it bled. It wasn't his business to speak off.

"Don't say another word, Haymitch. You and I are the same. You drink. I dance with the devil in my veins. You only wish to be a little bit braver and take a hit. The pain never leaves, but one taste and it is gone for a while. I need that escape. Girls, you better leave, or you'll be apprehended and taken to the square tomorrow for public humiliation. Won't be a pretty sight."

The girls scattered as I watched Abernathy try to stand on his own. My stupid conscience kept me in my place, as I helped him get his bearings. Not a minute had gone by that before the whistle of the peacekeepers surrounded us. Cray wasn't among them.

"Well, well, Haymitch Abernathy out and about, soliciting sex with a male minor, in plain sight, and it's not even ten o' clock. Arrest these men. And you… Peeta Mellark, this isn't your first offense. You will get a hearing tomorrow and a public lashing."

"Check your records, I'm eighteen now. I can do whatever I please. We were just talking, weren't we, Haymitch? Is it illegal to talk with friends during a nightly walk? I thought not. I wasn't doing anything remotely sexual when you arrived. I was only helping dear Haymitch stand straight, as you can see he's been drinking today and is not strong on his feet."

The commander sneered my way, I could see the temptation to raise his hand and slap me silent. I gave him a grin and a wink. Haymitch scoffed at my antics and proceeded to say practically the same thing I had. There was no evidence to support their claims. No money had exchanged hands.

"Search him for drugs, he might be trying to sell illegal substances. Alcohol not enough these days, Abernathy?"

Haymitch started to holler that he never touched anything other than liquor. Thankfully, he had none of the kind that would've gotten him booked for a month. I remembered the pills Thresh had given me earlier—if they were found who knows what would happen to me.

Someone that was standing behind me cleared his throat, getting the commander's attention.

"Sir, there's no justification for arresting these men. Apart from standing in a known location for solicitation, there's no evidence to support that claim. No illegality has taken place."

As he talked, he walked into the streetlight, it was the first glimpse into the man… wisp of red on his hair, green eyes, taller than anyone there. This officer exuded confidence in every step, his perfect face illuminated by the meager light source was enough to entice the senses, making temporarily forget the hunger of my veins by reminding me of the appetite of my lust. There was no one like him, and I was convinced there would never be. Memories of a different shade of red, with irises of baby blue couldn't compare to the beauty before me. Yes, beauty, for this man was more than handsome.

"Mister Abernathy… Mister Mellark, you're free to go, this time. There won't be a second time. Goodnight."

Haymitch simply nodded, while I stared into green eyes. I believed he was grinning back at me for a second, when it was gone just as quickly once the commander turned.

"We'll be watching. Always. Behave, Mister Mellark."

Without leaving his gaze, I answered back, "Thanks for the warning, Officer…?"

The grin was back on his perfect face.

"Odair. Officer Finnick Odair."

Finnick Odair, we would be seeing each other again.

**-:-**

Two weeks of nothing had kept me hiding in the shadows, getting by with the help of old Sae and Haymitch, both having soft hearts underneath the indifference they displayed to the world. For some reason, my pitiful existence was a burden they carried, in return I was thankful.

I had seen glimpses of Officer Fuck-Me-Hard, but we hadn't spoken again. He was a tall motherfucker, covered by that off-white uniform that gave me the creeps. I was more interested in what was hidden inside. I craved getting my hands on some morphling; it was more accessible than my treasured golden brown so I could dream up those green eyes swallowing me whole. I had to make due with Haymitch's moonshine white liquor without getting lasting effects or penetrating green eyes.

The new Peacekeeper's commander was a hard ass that had already lashed a few unfortunates caught after the new established curfew. Thresh was my only savior, taking pity on my sorry ass. Even with all their disapproval, it was Sae and Haymitch that kept Thresh paid and happy. None of them wanted to see me being beaten down within a inch of death, or more likely my last drawing breath. I was just skin and bones. There was no way I could survive a lashing.

Today, I wanted unlimited open space and a little solitude. Last night I had binged on that white liquor, which had helped little with my never-waning cravings. I felt lightheaded and a bit nauseated, but nothing a little bit of fresh mountain air and a splash of water couldn't cure, or so I hoped. It was too early to prowl for something stronger to take the edge off specially, with eyes watching my every step. It would have to be later. I had to find some currency worth some quality white powder, after my impromptu bath time.

Haymitch was still passed out on his grubby sofa. I almost left him a note. It was a pointless gesture. He wasn't my father or my family. Besides, if I saw him, the next time it would be probably in two to three days.

I looked every which way, thinking I would see green eyes and a breathtaking grin staring me back.

_Always._

I was disappointed. There were no sightings of his reddish hair nor of his astonishing green eyes.

Truth was I had stayed away from that alley. I wasn't going to be an easy target, playing right into his game. I wanted to make him anticipate our next encounter. I had even found some paper stored in Haymitch's pigsty of a desk. I had drawn a profile of his face, tracing his eyes, his lips. I wanted to see him again, and see how wrong my depiction was compared to the real him.

Once I made sure no one was keeping an eye, I went to the border. No buzzing from the fence meant there was no electricity running through the wires and I was safe to cross beyond the perimeter of our district. It was rite of passage of every District 12 teenager to cross this fence and stand on the other side. Even my brothers had done it—maybe not as often as I used to do it, looking for an escape, a place to be myself completely. I had shared it with someone… we had truly lived here. As I touched the barbed wire, I could see the specter of him standing right beside me, giving me his special smile. How I had loved him. And how that love took him from me.

The pain was a living creature inside my chest, and now it was asking to be fed.

_Later, little pet. I promise._

Crouching down, I pushed the wire back and climbed through. Once on the other side, the air changed. Here there was no trace of the filth, the sot, and the despair. No peacekeeper to hunt me down and lash me to submission. No mother's eyes watching with a dead stare, setting herself on fire. I felt his presence, his joy, as he would run ahead of me every time, impatient to get to the lake under the apple tree.

As if he was really here, I ran after him. I even think I hollered his name, trying to make him stop, to wait for me. The trees were sheltering me, keeping me hidden, as I searched for a particular trunk. My hand felt for the mark that would lead me in the right direction. It had to be this tree… no maybe it was the one beside it.

_Where did you go, Darius?_

I was lost in a sea of green and bark, and just when I was sure it would never end, I saw the water. My hand had found the carving of his name. He had claimed that tree, saying this place was ours. So my name was there too. It was real. In between my fits of drug-induced deliriums, I questioned to veracity of my dreams, of memories long gone. Darius had been here, he had walked beside me. We had touched this tree, carved our names. Said our vows into the wind. Nothing remains, and yet here it was a trace of my past.

I regretted coming to this place. Now it felt wrong to step into this land of forgotten hopes, of whispered truths better left unsaid. I had condemned him to his fate. I had tainted him with my disgrace. And not for the first time, I cursed the fact she didn't burn me along with the purifying fire she had erected on what had been our home. It was the rightful end to my life, to pay for my depravity, my audacity to believe I could love him in this world, in this place. There was no sanctuary.

A complete silence surrounded me, as if I had been struck deaf. I no longer felt his presence. Darius had left me. And without the drugs to drown my sorrow, I screamed until my throat was sore and dry. My face was wet from the tears… endless tears. Maybe today had finally arrived. No more burden to be carried by innocent bystanders. No more aches, or wanting in this wretched being.

I teared off my borrowed clothes and stood at the shore. My toes touched the cold water that no longer looked refreshing, but my soon-to-be shroud. My accompanying pet was restless inside me, a conflict of emotion brewing, wanting to live, wanting to finally rest. I rubbed its place, trying to appease it.

_Soon, little pet. _

How different this day had turned out. I had set to have a pleasing day, of washing the dirt from my skin, and later do some lines. Not enough running, the ghosts of my past had come to haunt me. I was tired of running. I stared at my reflection, and for a moment I could see the old me, the one with shining blue eyes, meat on my bones, rosy cheeks. What really stared back was a gaunt face with washed out skin and hollow eyes. I could see the marks left behind by the tract lines. Dark bruises were visible on my torso.

_Who am I, little pet?_

There was nothing to love left. Darius' Peeta had died a long time. I was the demon who took his place. I had enough, and shut my eyelids. One step closer, one foot inside, then the other, another step, I was ready. Half my body was submerged, and my body was shaking and my breathing was labored.

_I'm a coward, little pet._

That was why she left me alive, it was her real punishment, her legacy to me. Taken unaware, arms embraced me, a warm body touched my back… and lips touched my shoulder. Those arms rocked me, calming my sobs, words were spoken into my ear.

"D-Darius?"

The lips graced my face, the hands grabbed me closer to the body. I was weightless in those arms, a support keeping me from falling, falling into the dark abyss in front of me, waiting to swallow me whole.

"No, it's Finnick."

_Who is this angel, little pet?_

_I don't deserve him… not him_.

"Do you remember me? We met briefly… I stopped the arrest… Can you stand? Let's get you out of the water, you're shivering."

With his assistance, I stood on my feet and walked back to the shoreline. My clothes were waiting there for me. The water was dripping, reminding me of what I almost done. His hand brushed my arm, bringing me back. Finally, my eyes met his, still green, with a sadness, and deep yearning. I wanted to scream into his face, what do you want? I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I'm a mistake. A disgusting parasite not worth your time. Leave.

Nothing came out.

His hand touched my face, making me shiver. His lips moved, giving me a small smile. He brushed my hair back, wanting to keep connected, his eyes never leaving me.

"You need to get dressed. I'll help you, if you want me to. You need a warm meal after this skinny-dipping into frigid waters. And don't worry, I won't mention any of this to my superior."

"W-why?"

Confused by my question, he scratched his neck, breaking our eye to eye connection.

"Why? I-I don't know. You deserved another chance. I said behave, and I think you hadn't committed any infractions in at least two weeks."

His reasons were absurd, and I laughed. His grin, the one I wanted to see everyday since I met him appeared, and I felt compelled to kiss it. My lips touched his, a slow glide. My eyes stayed open, while his closed upon contact. I stepped back, with my hands in mid-air. I had been about to touch him. Another shudder running down my spine alerted me to the fact I was standing naked in the middle of the forest, a banned area for the citizens of District 12, with a peacekeeper who had followed me.

"H-how? I was sure n-no one was f-following me…"

He stared into the water, as if searching for the answer. Then he looked up into the shade of the apple tree. No fruits were present, since it wasn't in season. I wished it was. My stomach was rumbling in hunger and growled.

"Come, let's get you that warm meal. We'll talk."

**-:-**

We went to the Hob, and Sae gave us two bowls full of her famous squirrel stew. Apparently, earlier this morning Gale and Katniss had gone into the woods and hunted some. Not enough food had come from the Capitol trains this month, or any other month in years. It was illegal to hunt beyond the borders, and yet no sufficient food was available to the downtrodden citizens of District 12. Sae had said Gale had ranted that it was about time for a revolution, to bring down the oppression they were subjected by a tyrannical government. Katniss had shushed him and grabbed him by arm, leaving Sae's stall in a rush.

Officer Odair didn't bat an eyelash, nor did he comment after Gale's outburst. Gulping down what was left of my stew, I set the bowl aside and turned to stare at the perplexing Officer Finnick Odair.

"I've eaten my warm meal. Now, what?"

Finnick licked his lips clean with relish and thanked Sae for the food. I saw her smile, already smitten with the good-looking man.

"Come back anytime you like, Finn. There's plenty to go around. Now off you go boys, I got me to do some cleaning and serving the late afternoon crowd."

Walking back to the town square, I noticed he kept pace with me, not pretending to walk on his own. Didn't he know what was said about the Mellark's only remaining son? He was knew to this town, and a peacekeeper, an officer with authority, that surely didn't need to be smeared with dark past. I felt the graze of his finger, and I watched as his hand twitched, like he had wanted to take within his grasp. With widened eyes, I stared into his face. He shrugged and went ahead, now directed our path. He stopped in front of a housing building, known to take in unattached men, workers and such, that really couldn't afford a home in the better part of our town.

"You can afford a room here? You could save a bundle by moving to the Seam, with the riffraff, that way it would be fitting if we are to be… friends."

Finnick smirked and entered through the common room. He checked if any post had arrived. I wondered where he was from originally, if he had any living relatives, a lover waiting for him… He beckoned me to follow, and I did. His room was one bedroom, with access to a communal bathroom on the second floor. There were no personal photos on the walls or the beside table with a raggedy lamp. The closet door was open, showing his meager belongings of his peacekeeper uniforms and some casual garments, with shirts and pants much like the one he was currently wearing. His boots needed cleaning, all muddied up.

"I can't pack too much. I have been transferred quite a lot, so there's no point to keep to many possessions with me. I believe man carries all he needs inside his heart. What I've left behind, lives inside me, so there's no need for objects to keep me company. I do have to confess, I miss Mags. That old gal has been like a mother to me… to many of us."

I knew he was seeing this Mags in his head, remembering the good times. I had to ask.

"Where is Mags?"

He untucked his shirt and started taking it off unperturbed by the fact I was there with him. Then again he had seen me naked, maybe he thought it was fair I would get to see him now.

"She's in District 4. Mags was a fisherman's wife, mother of five children. Two of those children died before the age of five. Her husband was never found after a terrible storm. She was left destitute with two sons and a little girl. Somehow she survived and kept them fed and clothed. Once they were old enough, the boys found careers in other districts leaving their mother and sister behind. My mother loved Mags and brought her into our home. She was another mouth to feed, but my mother couldn't see her starve. The little girl, Annie, was infatuated with me, said when she grew up we would wed and have many babies. It was her dream. It was my mother's wish too. I almost believed it myself, that it was fate. I was a bit older than her, but she was a beauty."

He momentarily stopped, closing his eyes. He sat on the bed, resting his back against the bare wall. The old bed creaked, with his weight, making me think it would collapse any second. He padded the mattress right beside him, requesting me to sit beside him.

"Annie brought life to anywhere she went. She laughed like it was her last breath. That day would come and irrevocably change our lives. She was about fourteen, willowy and stunning. She was wearing her best dress to some dance. She asked me to go, but I felt awkward going to this dance. I was almost eighteen, that was no place for me I had said. Annie was a bit heartbroken, but her new friend, Johanna, said they could go together. She acquiesced. Mags had made her that flowery dress. Pinching my cheeks, she said I should've gone with her, to chaperone her lovely flower."

I heard him hold back a sob. I kept my eyes on the closed door of his impersonal room. My only way of comfort was my hand on top of his, I squeezed it.

"Everyone believed little Annie was meant for me. I had grown to believe it, denying that certain male musky scent didn't entice me, or the bare shoulder of some sailor by the shores close to our home. I should've gone with her… she had needed me and I wasn't there. The dance wasn't all she had thought it would be… She left on her own. Walked late at night, close to the bars that served the rowdy crowd of dead-beat fishermen and filthy wanderers. She caught the eye of more than one that fucking night… and they pushed her… they beat her down, broke her and destroyed all the goodness within. What was left of her, dragged itself to the sea and let go. She drowned. Her bloated body was found the next morning."

Finnick couldn't contain the pain, sobbing as he remembered little Annie. I held his hand, brought up to my lips and kissed it. My tears fell on his skin, waking him from his daze once the weeping had stopped. In our mutual grief, our faces had gotten close, noses nearly touching. With blurry eyes, I leant forward and kissed his lips. Pulling back, his anguished eyes stared, and his mouth opened.

"She killed herself. What those men did to her was so horrible, that Annie didn't want to live anymore. But you know what kills me every time I think of her… that she couldn't face me again. As if I couldn't love her, torn and besmirched by the atrocious actions of those animals. Her death just about killed Mags. She wouldn't eat or sleep, waiting for her Annie to return. It was my mother who died not too long after, from a terrible lung infection. Mags was by her side until the end. With Annie's death, it changed my future. I no longer wanted to stay in that land, looking into an ocean who had taken her from us. I made the decision to join the peacekeepers, to enforce the laws and find some justice. After all these years, you know what I've learned, there's no justice, only pain and regret. Annie died and those men live, immune to the punishment that they deserved. The laws I've sworn to uphold don't always protect the innocent, and I've to watch as people keep suffering and dying of hunger and injustice. That uniform is my mask now, the one I use to hide behind, knowing I want to break the law… you make me want to break it."

Finnick Odair, peacekeeper officer, was another member of the dregs of society, hiding behind his position to keep a very damaging secret. I had no mask, I broke the law openly. I had broken it in that lake, with another boy, one with red hair. His fate was so similar to Annie's. Kissing his lips again, I tried to compose myself and give him something of the past that would leave me.

"Where you found me, that was a special place for D-Darius and me. We had grown up in this town. Gone to the same class day after day, but one day being friends wasn't enough. We wanted something from each other. This something is forbidden, but I convinced myself it wasn't bad. I loved him. And he loved me. We wandered to the end of the district and I dared to cross over. Many of our classmates had already done it. I went first, checking the fence wasn't electrified. I egged him on… and finally he was right beside me. Today, I felt like he was right there with me. His presence was all around me. I could hear his laughter, full of joy. What I would give to be back there, in that moment and stay there. It should have been a one-time thing. But we couldn't stop. Out there we were free. We could kiss, hold each other. Swim naked in the lake and eat the ripe apples. And of course fool around and discover all the ways we could come. If only I had kept all there… one day we were in my room and my mother found us. That mistake was the catalyst of our demise. She made sure everyone in this town found out about us. Darius had wanted to be a peacekeeper, but the reveal of our relationship destroyed his chances. His family shunned him. I was told he was sent to some quack doctor, the famous Dr. Aurelius, to fix him. He hanged himself, on a tree branch… an apple tree."

Finnick held me in his arms, kissing my hair, allowing me to rest my head on his bare chest. I smelled his aftershave and a scent all his own lingering on his skin. I wanted to taste it and keep it always on my mouth. It had to better than that white liquor Haymitch loved to swallow and that I had consumed last night. For a moment I considered if it was better than shooting up, or snorting coke. Thinking about it made me crave those white lines I had envisioned this morning. His lips found mine, as his tongue touched mine languidly.

"M-my mother threw me out of our home, right about the bakery, which had been the Mellarks' trade for three generations. I had wandered to the Seam, looking for some abandoned shack to stay the night. I heard the hollering between some miners coming back home from their shift. All I could make out was the words 'Mellarks' and 'fire'. I ran to the clearing between the Seam and the beginnings to town, from there I could see the smoke up in the sky. I remember I was standing as close to the entrance as possible. The flames had engulfed the whole building, already burning the building next door. She had said the only way to clean the sin is with fire. She had said I had brought shame upon the family, a mark that couldn't be easily cleansed. The only survivors where my older brother's wife and their one-year-old baby boy. They were in their home a few blocks down. My father and brothers died in the fire, along with my… mother. She condemned them to that death. And she inflicted her last punishment on me, by leaving me alive to witness her wrath and judgement."

His mouth was muffled by my hair, but I could still understand his words.

"She never loved you, Peeta. Even if I know my actions to love another man would've hurt my mother, she would've never done such a thing. She had loved me everyday of her life. Your mother… she hurt you before that didn't she?"

I didn't want to see his pity, so I turned my eyes to the door. Taking deep breaths, I tried to stave off the onset of the pressure the little pet inflicted upon me. I rubbed my chest, feeling the panic rising. I needed something, anything to keep sane. It was too much, too fast.

"Breathe, Peeta. You need to keep breathing, slowly. I'm here. I'm sorry for everything. But you need to stop blaming yourself. Your mother committed a horrible crime against your whole family. You still live and need to start living once again. I know it isn't the same, but after Annie's death I too wanted to die. It wasn't fair that her life was extinguished so soon, she deserved a full life with someone worthy of her love. Certainly it wasn't me, but I so wished to have seen her blossom into the woman she was meant to be, mothering her own children, making Mags the happiest grandma. I struggled and found a purpose. You need to fight this need to run… the sex and drugs will end up killing slowly in the end. And you know what, that is a poor way to honor your father and your brothers. If you let me, I can help you… want to help you."

He licked my upper lip teasingly, and I responded by ramming my tongue inside his mouth. I wanted him to consume me, taking me all in, and for once feel something real, not some specter of the past. He eased himself on top of me, kissing each piece of skin revealed by his hands. I had never felt so cherished and safe. My tattered jeans fell to the floor with a slap, leaving me exposed to his wandering, darkened green eyes. With just his impassioned gaze, I felt my skin warmed with arousal. His careful caress showed his respect, lingering on the many scars that spoke of the life I had led. I wasn't beautiful, with the skin and bones I was sporting, but in his handling I could see the elegance of a human soul being deliberately mended.

And with the same mouth he had kissed my lips, he engulfed my hardened cock. His playful tongue swiveled and grazed each point intensifying the pleasure, pushing me deeper into his mouth. I wanted it to stop and at the same time to last forever. My stomach muscles contracted, as the surge of energy burst forth, emptying in three quick spurts. Finnick pecked the head of my spent dick. Some of my cum was dripping by the side of his mouth; I stood on my elbows as I licked the corner of his moistened lips.

"I have wanted to do that since the night I first saw you in that seedy lovers' lane. Too bad we were not alone. I would've fallen on my knees and serviced you right there… no charge."

He pinched my nipple, as he stood by the bed pushing his pants to the floor, one leg at a time. His erect cock was at eye level, straining against his defined abdomen. A little smattering of reddish hair decorated his chest, while a trail allured me to take him in, and taste him. Moving to my hands and knees, I crawled eyeing the twitching and the darkening of his cock. His hands brushed my blonde shaggy hair, wanting to stare into my eyes, as I took in the head into my mouth. It tasted salty and sour, but it wasn't foul as I had been accustomed with my daily clientele. I could take in his particular musk lingering in the air. I wanted to savor it, not knowing if he… if I… if this could actually continue. It would end his career as a peacekeeper, if it was ever known. He would have to leave… I would be alone again. The lake would be my only choice, and the last resort. Maybe not drowning the next time.

A powerful tug from his hand pulled me from his dick, leaving it glistening in the last filtering rays of sunlight from the only window in the room.

"You will stop thinking of death. Stay here with me. Whatever happens we will face it together. Promise me, Peeta."

It was the third time he had uttered my name. And each time I felt like a bit of the little pet died inside me, lessening the pressure. With one hand, I wiped my face and sat back against the wall. My body was once again reacting to his proximity and in no time would be ready for round two. Giving him a simple nod, I smiled. I think it was my first smile to someone who wasn't Sae, Thresh or Haymitch. It was a true smile, full of hope and wonder, of dreams and a different future.

"I promise, Finn."

Finn jumped on the bed, causing it to creak with the movement. It didn't deter him from falling between my opened legs and swallowing my tongue. I held him closer, using my arms and legs. It had been so long… to feel someone so close. Hooking for drugs had one purpose, get the john off and get paid for it. There was no intimacy, no warmth or feelings. It wasn't about companionship or love. It was purely driven by a forbidden release in some dark corner for mere minutes. With Finn in my arms, I found out I had been starving, not for food, not for drugs, not for sexual release, but for real human touch.

"You can call me Finn… when we are alone. Never in front of others. It is ours, Peet."

It was my turn to pinch his nipple, hard. In turn, he bit into my neck, probably leaving a prominent mark of his teeth. I shoved him back, causing him to tumble to the side. I used the momentum to straddle his hips, my hand using his chest for leverage.

"I win. Pay up."

My grin showed itself on his face with even a dimple on his cheek. I rubbed his chin, noticing the stubble already present. I kissed it, along with licking down his neck and taking a small bite of the contour of his shoulder. I imagined what it would be like to fuck him as I sucked and bit into his flesh, marking him as my own.

"You want to… then go ahead. Take it. Take me."

His words weren't forceful or demanding. He was letting me choose for once. And for the first time, the control of my sexuality was in my hands. Darius and I had experimented, learned from each other, but our relationship was stunted and killed by the judgement of our families. It was so different now when I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. The danger was still there beneath the surface, but I wasn't afraid. I didn't see fear in Finn's eyes either. There no eyes to watch over us, condemn us to the wind. The law still stood, but then laws were meant to be broken.

With a drop of oil, I prepared him, pushing one finger, then two, watching his face for discomfort, finding only but pleasure as his hips bucked pushing my fingers deeper. With a few drops more on my hands, I slicked my straining cock, twisting my hand, up and down. Once ready, I smacked his lips.

Whispering, "Take me," his lips brushed mine, and with the simple rocking of my hips, I pushed inside. Nothing existed outside of us, as we had become one in that swift connection. I stayed still, breathing hard with my eyes lingering on how we fit together. And I knew then, this was meant to happen. I had to find him and he had to find me, and stop us from the wandering existence we had lived until this exact moment. Even if my addictions would creep up on me, he was the balm to my wounds. As he had said, I needed a purpose and now I had found it, even if loving him was proscribed.

His hands found their rightful place on my ass propelling me forward, pushing me harder into him. His body arched off the bed, as his hands raked his nails down my skin. I buried my mouth on his shoulder, licked the beads of sweat, a taste combined of us. I murmured into his neck, "So close, I'm so close… not enough… I want you…" Finn's reply was a grunt, not capable of words. Cantering back and forth, brushing inside him, I felt it, the contraction of his muscles sucking me in, and egging on my release, as he came between us.

I fell on his chest, no longer capable of holding my weight on my twitching arms. One arm dropped on my back keeping me close to him, as his mouth searched for mine. I kissed him back wanting to keep his taste with me. It had never been like this.

As our breathing returned to normal, Finnick was able to blurt one word, "_Always_."

**-:-**

Even if a soul was on the mend, words had power. My mother's words had the power to paralyze me, stunted me from moving forward. I had remained in a stasis of my own creation, fueled by the guilt of my actions. In the end, she was the one who had committed the greatest crime. I had spilled only my blood, to pay for my sins, while she had taken other people's life, judge, jury and executioner. I can't simply say I've made my peace with the past, but I've learned that everyday brings its own rewards.

The drugs had been my medicine of choice, but they only masked my pain that was alive within me, the one I had named my "little pet." To keep that demon from taking over, I had to be brave and speak out, allow Finn to hold me, not succumb to old habits of veiling my deep-rooted grief. Some days were better than others, and I did relapse twice. The difference was knowing I was capable of crawling from the hole I had fallen.

I did confront walking beyond the limits of District 12 and faced that lake again. This time there were no ghosts tormenting me, only Finnick holding my hand. This time we did swim naked and ate some apples under the shade after we made love on the wet grass. We made new memories together in a place that had evoked to so much agony.

It took many years for the revolution Gale had besieged. It started with the death of a young girl by the hand of an overzealous peacekeeper in District 11. The news of said act spread like wildfire all over the districts of the country of Panem. No explanation could placate the uproar of the angry mobs that took up arms and broke down walls. The government officials fled their posts, looking for asylum in the Capitol. Many of them found death by the hands of oppressed citizens. After all the bloodshed and anarchy, a time of reckoning brought with it a new government with radical changes to the laws that restored order to the districts.

As a consequence, for the first time, with our hands held together, we walked out in the open. There was no fear, no act of retribution. We were genuinely freed, no need for deception and secret places.

_I'm a person, with needs and self-worth._

_I'm capable of forgiveness and be forgiven._

_I'm an attractive piece of man._

_I'm a somebody, who found his way out of the gutter._

_Most of all, I don't feel like a parasite any longer. _

_I belong to somebody, and he belongs to me._


End file.
